Journal Entries (November 10th-16th, 2012).

Saturday, November 10th–I woke about 7:21pm, still in need of more sleep, and with a back in pain from carrying all those groceries last night.

After I settled down to the computer, I came across a message that, if it means what I think it means, would be very sad news for me. Thinking the news was probably true, I went into a deep depression.

I ate, took a shower, and spent the better part of an hour scratching, petting, and flea-checking Belle.

Sunday, November 11th–I finally got around to watching my traditional birthday movie, “Patton,” over a week late.

Monday, November 12th–I got up late and stayed up all night in preparation for my therapy appointment tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 13th–
I had my first session of cognitive behavioral therapy today to try to treat my social anxiety.

My “homework” is to keep track of my outings over the next week, and note if they produce panic attacks and why. The thing is, I have no plans to leave my apartment until my next session next week.

Well, shit, I’ve been up about 24 hours or so by this point.

Maybe it’s time for all good little misanthropes to go to bed.

Wednesday, November 14th–Well, that was weird. After a breakfast of tostadas, I was having some pie when I started feeling dizzy, as if I was about to topple over. I finally got down on the floor, but am still feeling woozy, and am brewing some coffee. I wonder what that was about.

Fearing something bad was happening, I posted something about this on Facebook, and a few followers wrote back, worried I was having some sort of diabetic attack, and urging me to go to a doctor at once. But that would be a pain in the ass, and anyway, I was told two months ago by my doctor that I showed no signs of diabetes.

Thursday, November 15th–I forget some things, but I got into an IM discussion with James. He said he was coming into town, but he had to get a bunch of blood taken, so that would limit the amount of running around we could do. I needed to go to the MT Asian Market, as well as another supermarket, and they were also going to take me out for a belated birthday meal. Since the blood lab is right across the street from Central Market, I suggested they pick me up, drop me off at Central Market, go to the lab while I did my shopping, and meet me in the cafe, after which we’d go eat at Thai Kitchen nearby.

I was rather wide-eyed at the prospect of being out in the bright, big world. I’d not been to the Central Park Shopping Center in a few years. I went first to the new home of Zinger’s Hardware, which is now where Book Stop used to be. That brought back a lot of bittersweet memories. (Indeed, that whole shopping center and park reminds me of late night walks with Fred.) At any rate, the store was full of wonderful things, some useful, some useless, that I wanted to buy but couldn’t afford. (Zinger’s is as much a boutique-like gift shop as it is a hardware store.)

Central Market has long been one of my favorite places in Austin, but this time it was looking ever so slightly worn about the edges. A few of the things I loved about it were missing. Still, it has a much better selection of the things I like than the grocery stores in my current neighborhood. I was rather spoiled back in the days when I lived close to Central Market.

The thing is, I was rather anxious as to whether or not the store accepted Food Stamps. I’d researched this online beforehand, and not found an answer, nor were there indications on the doors or Information Desk. I didn’t want to fill up a cart, only to find out at the register that they wouldn’t accept Food Stamps. I was also worried about buying more than I could afford.

Finally, I found an employee who looked sympathetic, who looked as if she wouldn’t laugh or sneer at me, and I leaned in and murmured, “This is an embarrassing thing for me to ask, but do you all accept Food Stamps?” She looked at me kindly, and in a warm voice, said, “Of course we do!”

So I went back to my shopping, finding some things I wanted to get on this trip, some things I would have to come back for another time, but not the faux pork pieces that I needed from MT Market. And since it didn’t look like we’d be going to the MT Market, I was getting upset. I was pleased, though, to find a disc of pre-made cornbread, since I’ve been jonesing for cornbread for years now.

After I made my purchases I went to the cafe. They didn’t accept Food Stamps there, so I used my Pay Pal card to buy a drink. Sadly, they no longer stock cream soda in the drink machines. That was always the thing I drank at the Central Market Cafe, starting at my first visit in 1998. Now they just stock the usual soft drinks.

I took a table, spread out some papers, freebie magazines and newspapers, and index cards, and looked over them, while listening to music and people-watching. There was a columnar aquarium in one corner, and I watched some store employees take the top off and stock or re-stock it with fish. I have no idea how long I was there. I was calm and content. Eventually Nyssa came and got me.

The food at Thai Kitchen was just as wonderful as I remembered it being. (I think I had vegetables with tofu curry.) I was at first concerned that the portion on my order wouldn’t be enough to fill me up, but it did. The flavors were vibrant.

James and I almost got into an argument after I started talking shit about his hero, Ron Paul, but Nyssa intervened and said that friends and politics really should never mix.

We didn’t go to the MT Market, as James said he wasn’t up for it. The thing is, he could’ve just stayed in the car and let me run in and out, since I knew exactly what I wanted. Still, it was a pleasant day out overall.

Friday, November 16th–After walking and feeding Belle and myself, I went to the Arbor, even though I couldn’t really afford it, and saw Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln,” with Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. After that, I picked up some items at HEB, and xeroxed and mailed off some papers at the UPS Store.

James got me worked up into a panic attack on IM. Yesterday he had mentioned a friend who was married to a Thai woman who’s an excellent cook. Today he started talking up the idea of me, him, and Nyssa going over to this guy’s house for a Thai dinner. I explained that I don’t like going to other peoples’s houses, hate making small talk and so forth, but he just kept pushing it, even coming back a few minutes later claiming he’d just talked with the couple about doing this, or at least amending the plans where James would bring me some of this woman’s food and video-tape me eating and reacting to the spiciness.

I told him how he was getting me upset, and how shitty I thought it was of him to know that I have a social anxiety problem, a problem that interferes with my ability to work and live a normal life, a problem for which I am currently seeking professional help, and yet despite all that he still insisted on fucking with me about it.

He apologized, but I just ignored him. I don’t like or believe in apologies. I don’t like the fact that someone can act like a dick, then say a few magic words, and if the offended party doesn’t accept the apology, then he becomes the dick, and the other guy can go right back to offending, feeling exonerated.


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